“Some men might buy their wives stoves for their birthdays. But I’m not that sexist. I also got mine a lawnmower.”

“Do you need some birthday dick? I once got dick for my birthday—my first birthday, in fact. That’s how they knew I was a boy.”

“For your birthday I got you some batteries. They’re dead, just like you’ll soon be.”

“Maybe I will buy my nephew an aquarium for his next birthday. It’s got to be better than the bathroom sink, which is where my brother is keeping him now.”

“I need to hire a babysitter for Friday night. I also need to buy myself some adult diapers.”

“Love is a gift that costs nothing to give. Love is also the most valuable thing in the world. Think about that next time you’re tempted to call me a cheap bastard because I didn’t buy you a birthday present.”

“Birthdays, like women named Bertha, are not named after great Aunt Natalie. But you, Natalie, just might be. I’m named after my uncle Birthday, who never had one since he died in the womb.”