“Some people believe that people are essentially evil. Others believe people are essentially good. I believe they are somewhere in the middle, like Denver.”

“It may seem like good is always reacting in response to evil, and evil always makes the first move, but if the universe is essentially good, and I believe it is, then evil can only ever be reactionary.”

“Love happens to some people, sometimes. Other times other stuff happens to other people. I’m a person like those people.”

“There’s always going to be a criminal element in the population. At least as long as people believe they need politicians.”

“Some people work to live, and other people live to work. Then some people, like me, are both unemployed and alive (at least at the time of this writing).
”

“Last year I built a Courage Machine, but I thought it might be noisy and was too afraid to turn it on. So I coated it with glue, covered it with cat hair, mounted it on my wall, and started claiming it was an exotic animal I killed on a Safari in Africa. I'd like to believe people believe me, on account of it being so strange that it has to be true.”

“I like watching other people watching other people.”