“Some people wish they could have invented the wheel. But I’m trying to reinvent the wheelbarrow, to more efficiently haul around my bullshit.”

“Thor pushes the empty wheelbarrow by me and I decide to say something. “Wheelbarrows are great, huh? They make even the lightest loads lighter. Too bad nobody’s invented a wheelbarrow yet that could carry man’s emotional burden.”

“Some people talk nonstop and manage to say nothing at all. Other people are more efficient and manage to say nothing at all simply by saying nothing.”

“I wonder if babies could be made more efficiently on a conveyer belt.”

“Some people say I look like my mom, while others say I look more like my dad. I guess it all depends on what I’m wearing.”

“Some people say—not to my face, mind you—that I’m a cowardly son of a bitch. And that is simply not true. My mom is not a bitch.”

“I’m older now than my dad was when he was my age. Wait, that’s not right. That’s not my dad at all, that’s just some stranger hanging around in my memory.
”