“Some wise guys came by my business establishment and tried to offer me neighborhood protection. They weren’t mafia, but they were wearing togas.”

“The mobster came by my establishment and said I needed protection. “Nope,” I replied, “I’ve already got protection.” Then I showed him how I wear a rubber glove over my penis, with my shaft sliding perfectly in the pinky finger slot.”

“I bought a house in a depressed neighborhood. The prices weren’t low, but the people were all bummed out.”

“I drove 30 miles to buy some breath mints before I realized I had some already in my pocket. Then it took me another 30 minutes to figure out they weren’t breath mints at all—they were aspirins.”

“I eat overcast skies for breakfast, because sunlight isn’t filling enough. As a lover, I’m a bring-my-own-umbrella kind of guy, because a soup bowl doesn’t offer enough space or protection.”

“I asked her to wear something revealing, so she showed up in a prophet's toga.”

“In the 48 hours following my discovery of her infidelity, I found out she’d been with three other guys—two of them being conjoined twins. The twins didn’t go to our school, and they weren’t homeschooled either. They were 57-years-old and homeless.”