“Somebody needs to pet me, and I guess that somebody is me. My cat is busy sleeping.”

“Somebody once asked me where I come up with my stuff. I replied, "Who knows? Where does yellow snow come from? It's just a gift from God I guess.”

“I watch baseball on TV like my cat watches the window. Somebody open the blinds so we can see better!”

“I’ve had a stressful day, and I need something stronger than beer. Somebody fetch me a bodybuilder. Check the cooler in the garage.”

“If somebody tells me and my wife to get a room, I always ask, How about the kitchen?”

“If somebody kills me, at least I won’t be accused of murder. Well, assuming all my clones have alibis.”

“I’m so lonely, I just need somebody to call me—even if it’s a wrong number. I’m also hungry, so maybe that caller could order me a pizza after they hang up on me.”