“Sometimes I get depressed about my age. In March I’ll be 26. If man weren’t measured in numbers, but rather letters, I’d be turning Z. And then I’d be dead.”

“I retired at the age of 25, and it wasn’t until a few days later that I realized that in order to retire you need a stash of cash, and if I wanted to live to the age of 26, I’d better reenter the workforce. Or, rather, enter it for the first time.”

“It’s a lie. There isn’t safety in numbers. But there is safety in letters. There are only 26 letters, and yet they are more powerful than an army of infinite men. Show me a man or an army that can kill an idea, and I’ll show you an example of the absurd.”

“I want to be a man of letters. All 26 of them.”

“If my name were Entist, I’d probably be a dentist. If my name were Dennis, I’d probably be into tennis. And if my name were Funnalingus, well, I’ll let you figure out what I’d enjoy.”

“To let her imagine how great a lover I’d be, I ate soup with chopsticks. She went home with another man, but I’ll bet she fantasized about me.”

“I’d Poe’s nude for the approval of a dead poet. No names come to mind, but I’m sure there must be one I’d get naked for.”