“Sometimes when I read before bed I get so tired that my eyes gloss over the sentences without actually taking in any information, as my mind wanders in a pre dream state. That’s also how I drive 99% of the time. The other 1% I’m just flat-out asleep.”

“My eyes are so close together that when I cross my eyes, my irises actually trade places. My skin is so craterous that Neil Armstrong annually rubs my face just to reminisce about his time on the moon. And my nose is so long that my penis is jealous. But enough about how handsome I am.”

“Dream nonsense: Character: Hey, how are you? Me: I’m tired. I mean, this is a dream, so I must be, right?”

“At five in the morning, I was half asleep. The whole left side of my body was taking a nap. Seems I’m also always half in love, from my waist down.”

“Most people wear mind blindfolds. I think that’s stupid. I wear blindfolds over my eyes.”

“I want to hold my grandpa in my arms and pet him while I fall asleep. That’s why I’m learning to play the guitar.”

“I find out a lot about myself by sleeping. Dreams, they are who I am when I’m too tired to be me.”