“Thanks to my grandpa, I can go to France and not be visiting Germany. He single-handedly won WWII (he only has one hand).”

“One thing my grandpa taught me was never fall asleep while swimming. Or, rather, I’m sure he would have taught me that if he had the chance. (He drowned when he was a little boy.)”

“My grandpa passed a few days ago. But I’m not sad. He was only driving 20 miles an hour, so I’m sure I’ll catch up to him.”

“I know great art when someone doesn’t wash their hands after making it. And not only did Duchamp not wash his hands, but he didn’t even flush!”

“I wish somebody would have told my grandpa about the Cold War, so he could have at least put on a jacket.”

“Grandpa always used to make me ride in the bed of his pickup truck, so he could keep up his conversations with the 100-pound sack of manure he kept buckled up in the passenger seat. Grandpa said all they ever talked about was grass, but I know Grandpa used to do a little flirting, too.”

“I have seen the deadly effects of love first hand, and I have seen them with my second hand (the left one).”