“The best part about having kids is not actually having to have kids. Thank you, women.”

“I want to have a bunch of kids so I can open a factory and have free labor. Beat that, China!”

“I’ve got to have kids of my own. If not, who’s going to ascend to my throne?”

“The best part about having children is being able to point at them and proudly proclaim, "Hey, I made those.”

“A brick could be used to make the world safer for our children. Well, not our children, as I don't actually have any kids—but certainly your children. Skeptical? A brick could better protect your children than all the Federal government agencies combined.
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“A quiet kid is a good kid. But a quiet and invisible kid is an even better kid.”

“I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair.”