“The couch was wide enough for two, but I sat in it alone. Was I obese in body—or skinny in love?”

“I make love alone, because it’s one person faster than two.”

“I saw a white toilet, with no plumbing, alone in a field of snow. Well, almost alone. There were two naked albinos and a polar bear sitting on it, and I felt inspired to write a love poem.”

“If there are two clones, one good and one evil, I can’t kill on sight alone. It’s the same with love. Some love hurts, and some love elevates, but as to which one is which, they are two sides to the same sandwich.
”

“I make love like I sing—in a choir, alone in the bathtub.”

“I don’t think anybody’s ever written a song called, “There’s urine on the couch, and the remote control is in the shower.” I would write it myself, but I’ve never been very good at writing love ballads.”

“My couch is coffee-colored. I can thank Starbucks and clumsiness for that.”