“The earliest I’ve ever been late is on time.”

“I collect orgasms. Unfortunately, lately I’ve been selling more than I’ve been buying.”

“I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. No, I’ve been feeling like my clone.”

“Personally, I’ve been here since 1982, and I’d say it’s about time for breakfast.”

“The best date I’ve ever been on was March 5th, 1982, the year I was born. For as long as I live, I’ll never forget that date.
”

“The fastest I’ve ever fallen in love is 17 miles per hour. But I was safe, because I was wearing a bicycle helmet at the time.”

“My girlfriend has two aliases. Clones aside, it’s the only time I’ve ever felt like I was cheating on one person with the same person. 
”