“The first thing she told me after I hit on her was that she had a boyfriend of nine months, and I thought, what kind of sick bitch dates infants?”

“Agatha told me she was late, and I thought, I haven’t slept with her in years—she really must be late. I’m going to be a father!”

“I was nine minutes late for my last birthday party. And I was nine months on time for my first birthday.”

“If a gorgeous woman hits on me right off the bat, I’m suspicious. I wonder what she wants. If she hasn’t heard my wit, felt my charm, how could I appeal to her? I’m no Brad Pitt. So what is she after? Most likely it’s my horse cock.”

“She told me she has her eye on me, so I said, And what do you have your other eye on?”

“She loves me. She must, because she left flowers in the fridge from her date. She knows how I love flower salad.”

“It was one-way glass, and I was on the inside and she was on the outside. She was looking at me with the confidence of a woman who knows she won’t be scrutinized for scrutinizing me, and I was looking at her like I normally look at myself—though she probably thought I was staring at her breasts. Well, can you blame me? I had a stain on my shirt—and she had great tits.”