“The flashing black line on an empty Word document reminds me that my life is counting down second by second, and that if I don’t write I’ll have wasted my time here on earth.”

“I’ll bet if I write a sentence and mention the word “edit,” people will slow down and scour my words for errors. Did it wrok?
”

“I’m going to name my firstborn son 0123456789, because I want him to learn to count before he learns the alphabet. And my second son I’ll call 01, because I want him to get into computers at a young age.”

“I’d rather count to one billion, than waste my time thinking I could count on you.”

“I remember the first time we made love like it was the second time. We never made love again, and I don’t regret it for a second.”

“Try my all-you-can-eat vomit soup. Sadly, people don’t want seconds, because they don’t even want firsts. But it tastes great. I tasted it on the way down—and then again on the way up.”

“I’ll write the time on my wrist, and I’ll cover it up by wearing a watch.”