“The girl of my dreams got married to someone else. But that’s OK. I don’t need her beside me to keep her locked in the dungeon of my heart.”

“I fell in love with a beautiful girl, got her pregnant, and then I got married. I wonder whatever happened to that beautiful girl I got pregnant.”

“I want to meet the girl of my dreams, and then immediately try to sleep with her—for between six to eight hours.”

“In my life I haven’t done anything worth writing about, but that’s OK. That’s why I write fiction.”

“My wife won’t talk to me, but that’s OK, because it’s not like I’d listen if she did.”

“She had breasts that sagged to her knees. But that's ok, because when it got cold, I could see her nipples through her kneepads.”

“I eat spaghetti with my fingers, because it reminds me of me running my fingers through her wet red hair. Ah, but that’s life, no?”