“The government is so efficient it often takes two people to do the work of one. Actually, more accurately, it takes twice the manpower to do half the work.”

“I can do a week in a weekend. That’s not how efficient I am, that’s how little I work.”

“I can’t extrapolate a theory of what people would do based on the limited data set of what one person—myself—would do. That’s why I need clones, so I can more accurately gauge what large crowds of people would do in a given situation.”

“What do I do for fun? Well, I’d love to get into the bank robbing business, but government work is not for me.”

“The American Dream is to not have to work, so with unemployment at record levels, you’d think more people would be excited and grateful for the government intervention that got us to this glorious economic point.”

“No matter what I see, I always think, “They just don’t make them like they used to.” Well, except for kids. People still make children the way they always have, though I am working on a product that’ll make the process 100% more efficient. It’ll work by eliminating 50% of the people required to make one kid. My target market will be asexuals.”

“I wrote half this book (the left half) while I was asleep, and I wrote the other half (the top half) while daydreaming. So here we have a case where two halves equal one quarter, which is about what this book is worth—give or take 25 cents.”