“The government wants to be aware of all your movements—probably including your bowel movements. Ain’t that some shit?”

“You stare down your opponent, lights twinkle, but you don’t blink. This is all you and that’s all him, and it ain’t all that much. An instant later you wake up in a hospital. Your anus hurts. Long live sports.”

“All I have to say about love can be summed up in nine words: Never wipe your ass before you take a shit.”

“A brick could be used as toilet paper—especially if you just shit a brick. You could shit and wipe your way to a wall of privacy.
”

“A brick is a rust-colored blur of movement, caught in a moment, and transformed from motion into a physical object. Studying this brick would give scientists an insight into how fast I run.
”

“A brick could be dropped in a toilet to replicate the sound of shitting bricks. But we wouldn’t have to go through all that trouble if you’d just eat the bricks I put on your plate.
”

“A brick could be used to make the world safer for our children. Well, not our children, as I don't actually have any kids—but certainly your children. Skeptical? A brick could better protect your children than all the Federal government agencies combined.
”