“The headline read, Man Saves Child From Burning House, and I just have to ask: Why did that kid want to burn down the house?”

“I had a dream my house was on fire, and I tried to rescue all the cats—and none of the politicians. You can burn my house, but don’t you dare burn my coffee.”

“I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn't burned down, you don't have cancer, and your daughter hasn't been raped or murdered. The bad news is that I ran over your dog. And your son. And his wife. But not before I ran out of gas to achieve all of that.”

“She wants the kids, the cars, the house, and the white picket fence. I said sure, I can give you a fence.”

“I’ve got a piece of the American Dream. I don’t have a house, but I do have a new chandelier. Now I just have to build a house around it.”

“The other day I went to the Huddle House. I wasn’t hungry, I just wanted to call some plays.”

“I broke down when we broke up, but I didn’t break in to her house just to break out of my routine.”