“The internet's a great way to meet people. You never really know someone until you see their fake profile.”

“Some people use laughter as a weapon. It's all very funny until someone loses an eye. But then I guess it just makes the joke even funnier, because you never see it coming.”

“Friends are like orgasms: you can never have too many, but just try to watch out for the fake ones.”

“People used to tell me that when I smile I really warm up the room. Well, the moment someone told me about global warming I frowned, and in that exact moment it started to snow. So, if you see me walking around with a furrow on my brow, you’ll know what I’m doing: I’m helping to save Mother Earth.”

“When someone tells me they don’t read, I like to walk up to them and stroke their hair, pet it really, because you know who also doesn’t read? My cat. In essence, these people are pitiful, and no better than pets.”

“I’d love to create a personal profile on a dating site with a headline that reads, “Great Listener Seeks Mute Woman.”

“Freedom isn't free. But there are some really great coupons if you know where to look. Buy one liberty, get the next one half off.”