“The last time I saw love was in my imagination while reading a book on Thomas Jefferson. Isn’t the Constitution of the United States so romantic?”

“Thomas Jefferson is by far the smartest president,” said Thomas Jefferson, about Thomas Jefferson, and to Thomas Jefferson. Even though he was only the third president, he might be surprised to learn that today. I myself just learned it yesterday.”

“Up until I saw the hair in my food, it was delicious. You know, cannibalism isn’t so bad.”

“Some people read books on musicians, while I read music books. Not books on music, but literally books full of sheet music. Fascinating reading.”

“Last night I read two books back to back. Tonight I’ll probably read both of those books’ front covers.”

“My facial features smell as rugged as a rose looks. Isn’t my nose the most romantically smelling thing?”

“Love is to beer as I am to drunk. And you say I’m not romantic. Shoot, I’m so romantic I could just puke.”