“The list of women he’s slept with is longer than his penis. The list is three inches long.”

“Here’s a list of three character qualities women should look for in a guy, in descending order: Looks like me, thinks like me, is me.”

“Love is like a corn-dog popsicle, and I’m on the Most Wanted list. Unfortunately it’s by the government, specifically the FDA, and not by women.”

“My list of chores is a little too important to include in my list of life’s goals.”

“Number one on my list of things to do before I die is become immortal. Obviously there is no number two on my list.”

“America’s been ruined by one word: Bankers. No, two words: Bankers and lawyers. Make that three words. Add politicians to that list. Oh, and don’t forget the lobbyists.”

“As an animal lover, I don’t like zoos. I feel the only creatures that should be caged behind bars are politicians, lobbyists, and lawyers. And rapists, but I’ve already listed that three times.”