“The love doctor, Orafoura, says there are two things that a guy can do to promote a healthy relationship: One, grow out a handlebar mustache, and two, grow a mullet. I don’t know, will radiating lust make me a better lover?”

“Love is a winding mountainous road. Do you have an extra unicycle and handlebar mustache I can borrow?”

“I water fake plants, because I’m growing a garden of fake mustaches. Lest no man (or woman) question my ability as a lover.”

“I don’t just have one mustache, I have two. You can hardly notice them, though, because I wear them in place of my eyebrows, which I shaved off and donated to charity. I’m just a generous, kind-hearted guy, I guess.”

“I feel with a mullet and a mustache my job prospects would improve.”

“Orafoura paid me in pajamas, and I let him because the pajamas matched his plaid mustache.”

“If it’s not one thing, it’s another. The other thing is, of course, two. That makes the one thing love, because two is the smallest number you can have to get the one.”