“The man with two plungers for hands never wipes his ass, but he also never clogs up a toilet either.”

“All I have to say about love can be summed up in nine words: Never wipe your ass before you take a shit.”

“You haven’t lived until you’ve wiped your ass with a pile of sand. Toilet paper doesn’t measure eternity the way the sands of time do.”

“I could tell we were going to get along from the way he wiped his ass—on my tie.”

“A brick could be used as toilet paper—especially if you just shit a brick. You could shit and wipe your way to a wall of privacy.
”

“I never understood the term “Ass hat.” Not until I misplaced my Fedora, and decided to cover up my disheveled hair with underwear.”

“I wanted a ponytail for my 16th birthday, but daddy never bought me one. He thought that not only would I not be able to ride it, but it would also be unsuitable for a young lady to be a young man.”