“The morning came pouring down on my night, but luckily I was able to convert my erection into an umbrella.”

“A car is a couch with wheels. My windshield wipers don’t work, so I’ve decided to stop watering my living room carpet. Honk if you want coffee, and I’ll pour you an umbrellaful.”

“I went for a walk and I stubbed my big toe. And my erection.”

“My life motto: My brakes are broke, but luckily my gas pedal works just fine.
”

“In exchange for my silence, I want a box of quiet. Empty—and full.
That’s also how I like my morning coffee at night.”

“I suspect I’ll be suspicious for my whole life that Saturday night is sleeping with Sunday morning.”

“The early morning is too strong to drink straight, so I need to mix in a little coffee to be able to hold it down.”