“The most enjoyable book in the world is the phone book, because think of all the sex that went into creating the content.”

“I hope you enjoy reading my book as much as I didn’t enjoy writing it. Just kidding! I hope you don’t enjoy it at all.”

“There are certain books in the history of the world that should never have been written. This book makes all those look like masterpieces.”

“I have a list of pet names for Cap’n so long that it could fill a phone book (if the phone book is for a town with a population of four). I call him Cap’n Boy, Sweet Boyo, My Little Boy (done in a British accent), and when he is misbehaving, You Little Shit.”

“I prefer physical books to eBooks, because an eBook can’t be the solution to a wobbly chair like a real book can.”

“Pluto will always be a planet in my book. That’s because my book was published before Pluto was blacklisted by planetary scientists.”

“All books are coloring books, if you are in possession of a childlike imagination, and a box of markers.”