“The mountains are where God proves He’s better than Michelangelo at sculpting.”

“I want a trophy that has atrophy—where the maquette on top isn’t sculpted metal, but rather a flaccid sack of jelly that sags and droops.”

“He’s a year shorter than me, but he’s a foot younger. I love him like the brother of an only child.”

“Before I’ll take my clone on as a pupil in the craft of writing, he must prove his worthiness. He must write 100 thoughts down, of which 10 might be interesting. If he’s done that, good, then he must write 1,000 thoughts, of which 200 might be interesting. If he’s done that, good, then he must write 10,000 thoughts down, of which 4,000 might be interesting. If he’s done that, good, then he no longer needs me to teach him, because he has taught himself. And since he would be teaching himself, it would prove that I really am the best teacher.”

“He said he thinks he’s God, and I said, In that case, I’m an atheist.”

“I don’t think he’s dumber than a politician. But only because it’s not possible to be dumber than a politician.”

“My father is half man, half Zeus. That makes me one quarter fake God. But that's better than being one quarter nickel.”