“The only French I know is a kiss. I studied a lot of that foreign tongue in high school.”

“I want to study a broad. Possibly French.”

“I decided to write this piece because my internal critic told me to write it. At least I think he told me to write it. You see, he only speaks French, and I don't speak any French, so sometimes there can be a lot of confusion. In fact, all I really know about Pierre is that he loves wine, croissants, and women with hairy armpits.”

“In high school I got voted most likely to get voted for something. Even though I was the only one who voted, it still felt terrific being nominated.”

“I went to a homosexual high school. I graduated top in my class. I couldn't imagine being on the bottom.”

“At my ten-year high school reunion, I was voted best looking. Of course, there were two people in my high school, and while I wasn’t the best looking, my brother was two years younger and therefore not in my graduating class.”

“In high school I barely made the rodeo team. But I wasn’t good enough to start, so I just rode the bench.”