“The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn’t around to propose to her.”

“My wife must be stupid. I mean, look, she married me, didn’t she?”

“My wife loves me for me, and hates me for her.”

“I’m an only child, so logically I gave birth to my parents, because if it weren’t for me they wouldn’t be parents at all, they’d simply be a married couple. (Or maybe without me they wouldn’t even have been married!)
”

“My wife told me she’d meet me at the mall, and I said, “Don’t be silly. We’ve already met. What, do you think I’d marry a stranger?”

“The book wasn’t half bad. But only because I only read half of it.”

“My wife won’t talk to me, but that’s OK, because it’s not like I’d listen if she did.”