“The only way I’ll play beer pong is if the room was a sterile room, the table was stainless steel sprayed down with disinfectant, the ball brand new, and everybody playing wore gloves and hairnets underneath their space suits.”

“If love played an instrument, I’ll bet it would be the piano. 88 keys, double infinity, and the ability to chop down trees with a sharpened mustache. 
”

“One word I’d use to describe space is lonely. The only way I’ll board a space shuttle is if I had a babysitter with me. You know, to watch the baby I’ll make with her.
”

“I’ll wipe a booger on your living room wall, not only to show I was there, but also to say thanks for having me over.”

“For your learning disability pleasure, I’ll be playing a song backwards.”

“If I ever go to China, I’m going to find a piano and play “Chopsticks”--only not with my fingers, but rather I’ll be using two forks.”

“He’s got the world’s softest knuckles. They’re like rubber the way they bounce off my steel balls.”