“The other day I found 20 dollars. It was just lying in a wallet I took from some guy’s pocket.”

“If I ever get a 20-dollar bill, I like to convert it into 20 singles, because women like guys with lots of money.
”

“I was nervous. Like an ice cube, I just froze up. Then I melted in some strange guy’s drink.”

“I don't want to work a 9-5 job, because 20 hours a day is just too much.”

“I took some naked pictures the other day. I don’t feel shamed, but I do feel remorse over having to steal the whole camera to get the pictures.”

“The other day I went to the Huddle House. I wasn’t hungry, I just wanted to call some plays.”

“I drove 30 miles to buy some breath mints before I realized I had some already in my pocket. Then it took me another 30 minutes to figure out they weren’t breath mints at all—they were aspirins.”