“The pinnacle of every conversation is coming to the point.”

“As a point of fact, the best apologies don’t come at the point of a sword, they come freely and of one’s own volition, hours and sometimes even days after the torture session has ended.”

“A brick could be used like the point where always meets never. I mean come on, who wouldn’t want to watch a brick levitate? 
”

“Newt Gingrich, buddy, the people of the United States don’t like you. And the only reason the rest of the world doesn’t despise you is because they don’t know you. Thankfully you won’t have to experience that global derision, as you have reached the pinnacle of your career as a crook—I mean politician.”

“I just started working the graveyard shift at the cemetery. Come to think of it, every shift at the cemetery is the graveyard shift.”

“I’m so constipated that every time I go to shit, the only thing that comes out is political rhetoric.”

“There are billions of conversations happening every second, and it’s too bad I can’t listen to more than about half of them at one time. Most are just he said she said chatter, and I want to tell them to go sip on gossip and leave the coffee talk for me to chug.”