“The problem with ebooks is you can’t get booger smears on the pages.”

“I prefer physical books to eBooks, because an eBook can’t be the solution to a wobbly chair like a real book can.”

“Earwax is nothing more than sound boogers. I’m too congested to hear anything but I love you. Not that I expect you to flick it at me lightly.”

“If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave.”

“The judge said he was going to throw the book at me. I hoped it was an ebook in the cloud, and not a heavy dictionary.”

“Actual message in letter I mailed: Congrats on getting married! Here’s a hundred-dollar gift certificate to Amazon.com. You could buy something practical, or you could buy 101 copies of my .99 cents ebook. Just kidding—I didn’t mean to imply that buying 101 copies of my book was impractical. 
”

“The couch was green, so I felt comfortable wiping my boogers on it. I just wish it had been brown.”