“The problem with Marxism is the proletariat isn’t going to rise up against capitalism and consumerism. The only time they’ll rise up is during a commercial break to either go to the bathroom or grab more beer.
”

“My advice is to write during commercial breaks, and read while your favorite TV show is on mute.”

“I wanted to tell her “I love you” back, but I guess in waiting for the perfect moment (the next commercial break), I ended up completely forgetting.”

“I could either buy one missile, or 88,000 cups of coffee. Both would wake me up, but the coffee would also wake up North Korea. I’ll go with the coffee.
”

“I want to go to sleep in my time machine and wake up eight hours in the future.”

“Drive, guy. That green light isn’t going to get a deeper green. It’ll only ripen and turn yellow.”

“During conversation, I have no problem making eye contact—with myself in the mirror. Or with my clone, if he’s not rolling his eyes because he knows what I’m going to say.”