“The proper response to “I love you” is never “what, when, where, why, and how,” no matter how sincerely you say it.”

“If I remain silent, the proper response is, “You don’t say.”

“It’s not if, but when I’ll if on you that matters. How does Tuesday at noon sound?”

“She said “I love you,” and I said the only thing I could say: “How about every other Tuesday?”

“You tell me you love me, but I’m not sure you know what love is, or how fast it flies, or how much it resembles a UFO, or what kind of weapon you’d use to shoot it down.”

“No matter how far or long you carry it, my love doesn’t weigh a lot. But if you aren’t carrying it with you, it will weigh heavy on your mind.”

“I hired a counterfeiter the other day. I told him, “As for your salary, how much you make is really up to you.” I love a business model where the employee pays the employer.”