“The shirt I have on today is the color of a banana, and tomorrow’s shirt will also be the color of a banana. Tomorrow’s shirt will be a slightly different color, but will in fact be the same shirt.”

“My eyes change color depending on my mood and what I’m wearing. If I’m wearing an acorn brown shirt, my eyes look like squirrel fur. And if I’m wearing no shirt at all, my eyes look more nude and flesh-colored. I guess my ex girlfriend, Zelda, said it best when her friend asked her what I look like and she said: “He looks like you’d imagine him to look like, if you had no imagination.”

“With that shirt you have on, you remind me of what you look like with no shirt on.”

“I made a t-shirt that says, "Today's my birthday" on it, so that I can ask for hugs from strangers and point to the text on my tee as the reason why they should oblige. It's not a once-a-year t-shirt, as I wear it every Tuesday.”

“A shirt is a dress, if you have short enough legs.”

“I wear brown shirts to protect against the combination of coffee and clumsiness.
”

“Tomorrow’s Pancake Friday, despite the fact that it’s Monday, and I don’t eat breakfast.”