“The state of North Carolina, Daisy, and John Wayne walked into a bar, and I shouted, “Duke!” and the bartender threw me out, because he was a Chapel Hill fan, and I was drunk.”

“Two mustaches walk into a bar, and the bartender said, “Can I get you a drink?” Both mustaches turned towards each other but said nothing, because they’d each left their mouth at home.
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“An elephant walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, “What can I get for you?” The elephant replies, “Sex on the beach, please.” To which the bartender responds, “Sorry, but I’m afraid your penis is too big for me.” “That’s no problem,” the elephant says as he smiles, “how about a double shot of Don’t worry, I brought a few gallons of anal lube.”

“I’ll bet Ryan Lilly drinks coffee like a flower—a lily. I drink coffee more like two roses and a nose walk into a bar. I would tell you what the bartender said, but to be honest, the bar was pretty noisy and I didn’t hear what he said.”

“A priest, a politician, and a philosopher walk into a bar, and the bartender stabs one of them. Which one did he stab? (Hint: the shortest one.)”

“Just because I look like John Wayne (at least my liver looks identical to his) doesn’t mean I play cowboy with politics. I’m going to vote for Philo T. Farnsworth for president, and so should you.”

“When anybody honks at me in traffic, I blush, wave, and shout, “Thanks for being a fan.” Being a celebrity is a 24/7 thing.”