“The truth is I did try to stab him. I tried to stab him with a butter knife. Why? Because it seemed deadlier than trying to stab him with a melting stick of butter.”

“I stabbed the intruder with a knife. How else was I supposed to cut him into bite-sized pieces?”

“Just like trying to ice skate on two sticks of butter in the desert, my love for her melted and was no good to anyone but a chef.”

“A priest, a politician, and a philosopher walk into a bar, and the bartender stabs one of them. Which one did he stab? (Hint: the shortest one.)”

“I once got stabbed with a lightning bolt. True story. (No it isn’t).”

“I’ll stab you with a pointy thingy. Not a sword, a knife, or even a mountaintop. No, I’ll use my index finger—and just to make a point about violence.”

“I tried telling him without telling him, through body language, and I observed he was unobservant.”