“The ultimate dead end is murder. My house is on a dead-end street, and it’s killing me. My house is so small it’s trying to suffocate me.”

“If somebody wanted me dead, I’d try to convince them to wait 25 years, for technology to arrive, so they can go kill my clone. It’s a win-win for me and them, but not for my other me.”

“Death cannot stop true love. That’s why it’s pointless for me to try to murder all my adoring female fans.”

“If my clone weren’t dead, or rather not in nonexistence, he would have probably killed me by now.”

“The house I grew up in is one of a kind. It’s a bibliophile’s fantasy, and if the Library of Congress had a little brother who was a midget, you could find him residing in my parents’ house.”

“Are you cool enough to live on Me street? It’s a one-way street, you know.”

“I carry a concealed weapon—high cholesterol. It’s deadly.
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