“The word "the" is 2/3rds he. I'm not being sexist, merely statistical.”

“I wanted to write something that made no linear sense. None. Zero. Something that was 87% pure nonsense, 12% pure alcohol, and 3% orange juice, for a chaser. That formula is accurate, give or take 2% for the milk. In my experience, comedy is 2/3rds tragedy, and one third 33.3 percent. And tragedy started at birth, so humor involving babies is probably the funniest. But even though I didn’t write anything about babies, you might laugh so hard that you’ll regret not wearing a diaper while reading.”

“2 out of 4 numbers prefer being in the bottom 50 percent. Half of all lovers also prefer being on the bottom.”

“Things can go three ways—left, right, or straight. If you stand on one side, either the left or the right, you will have the quickest reaction 1/3rd of the time, the second quickest reaction 1/3rd of the time, and the slowest reaction 1/3rd of the time. But if you stand in the middle, you’ll have the quickest reaction 1/3rd of the time, and you’ll have the second quickest reaction time 2/3rds of the time. I guess things can also go backwards, but the middle is still the best place to stand.”

“Some men might buy their wives stoves for their birthdays. But I’m not that sexist. I also got mine a lawnmower.”

“What I know about being in love can be summed up in three words: Huh, who me?”

“I left Mermaid’s Bar and Grill about 2:00 am, and fishtailed out of the parking lot.”