“The world needs more laws. I say this only because I believe the world needs more lawyers. If everybody was a lawyer, there’d be no unemployment, because the economy would be like a great lawsuit factory. Farmers in this utopia wouldn’t raise crops, they’d raise suspicion.”

“I haven't met many lawyers that I didn't like. But then again, I haven't met many lawyers.”

“Who leads the world in consumption? America! Who has more lawyers per capita? America! Who has the highest incarceration rate? America! What is the greatest country on earth? America!”

“If I were a lawyer, I’d only date women named Sue.”

“I’m an only child, so logically I gave birth to my parents, because if it weren’t for me they wouldn’t be parents at all, they’d simply be a married couple. (Or maybe without me they wouldn’t even have been married!)
”

“If you supplied me a tissue, I wouldn’t need it because I wouldn’t feel like crying. But if you withhold it, you’ll make me sad and you’ll make me cry, thus causing me to need the very thing you won’t give me. So if you give it to me, I won’t need it, and if you don’t give it to me, your actions end up causing me to need it.”

“I have a problem. I wouldn’t say I’m in a pickle. More like a vinegarized cucumber.”