“There are few things in this world I have left to hang on to, and one of them is my ball sack.”

“I’m growing an Abe Lincoln beard. On my ball sack.”

“I have seen the deadly effects of love first hand, and I have seen them with my second hand (the left one).”

“Science, where would scientists be without it? They’d probably still be in my basement, where I left them a few minutes ago.”

“Cats have the curiosity of a genius, while dogs have the intellect of a sack of manure covered in hair and mulch made from bark (so loud). Actually, that assessment isn’t quite fair. Sacks of manure are smarter than dogs, and make better best friends (I should know, because I’ve lost three best friends to landscaping incidents in the last year alone, which left me alone).”

“If beards flowed like rivers, then I’d stop shaving my facial St. John’s, and I’d have one of the few major beards in the world that grew north.”

“Dancing? Not only do I have two left feet, but they’re different sizes. And I don’t put them in shoes—I store them in glass jars in my basement.”