“There are many ways to kill someone. I prefer laughter, and doing it slowly, over the course of 70 years or so.”

“Of all the ways to murder someone, slowly, over the course of about 75 years or so, is the best way to not get caught. Nobody, not even Sherlock Holmes, would suspect a thing.”

“The last time I went speed dating, I brought a radar gun. I got clocked at over 70 miles per hour.”

“I keep my love in the trunk. And I drive slowly over speed bumps, so she doesn’t bump her head around.”

“If you’re thinking about killing someone, don’t. Not don’t kill them, but don’t think about it—just do it already.”

“If I don’t clean off the bug corpses that are petrified on my bumper for looks, then what do I do it for? Safety. I feel safer not knowing how many things I’ve killed with my car, possibly including many missing children.”

“How many supermodels can you fit in a toothpick canister? I don’t know, but I prefer floss.”