“There is one woman I’ve dated I just can’t seem to forget, no matter how much I drink or how many concussions I give myself.”

“I can take care of myself, but I can’t take care of myself and a child. I’ve decided to give myself up for adoption.
”

“With gift giving, if it’s the thought that counts, then a picture of a Mercedes is just as good as an actual Mercedes. With my new camera, I can’t wait to show you how much I love you!”

“The best date I’ve ever been on was March 5th, 1982, the year I was born. For as long as I live, I’ll never forget that date.
”

“No matter how hard I try, I can’t grow facial hair on my chest.”

“If I give you an historical reference, am I dating myself? No, because the only way I could date myself is if I had a clone—and he was gay.”

“I made love to a woman who didn’t exist, and I can’t remember how it didn’t feel. It amazes me how often I think about not thinking about it.”