“There should always be one more cat than person, so everyone has one to pet, and I have two to myself.”

“A tie is a win for more than one person. But a tie is also a loss equally shared by two or more people.
”

“Everyone owns a piece of democracy. Actually, I own two pieces, and each one has a nipple.”

“He has one of the worst personalities. Actually, you can’t call it a personality, since he acts more like an animal than a person.”

“My math is so fuzzy you should pet it. Four minus two isn’t two, because between two and four minus two is an infinite number of numbers.”

“I make love alone, because it’s one person faster than two.”

“Love reminds me of when I was six and had a pet goldfish named “Silverbird” that I carried around the house, petting it like a cat. Needless to say it died. So I ate it.”