“There’s a faint whiff of feces wafting up my nostrils. But that’s natural, because I just walked past a politician.”

“There’s cat feces in my Batman costume, and all the lines in my screenplay were snorted by the neighborhood cokehead. Ah, but that’s life, no?”

“I love the smell of cleanliness. That’s what the inside of my nostrils smell like, naturally.”

“If I have to beat you up to keep you safe, that’s just what I’ll do. It’s this kind of regard for others that makes me believe I’d be a good politician.”

“My nickname in high school was Catch 22. Not because I was a walking dilemma, but because I had 22 catches freshman year. The interesting part was that I didn’t play football, but that’s just how inaccurate our quarterback was.”

“I hate the phrase “Shit or get off the pot,” because I rarely cook with feces.”

“There’s a hair in my soup. That’s the problem of using my helmet as a bowl.”