“There’s not a person alive who is ugly. Now dead people, they disgust me.”

“There’s nothing nine-tenths about me as a person. I’m a 100% kind of guy, at least half the time.
”

“Where there’s a winner, there’s a loser, and always at the same time. Occasionally even in the same person.”

“I'm the kind of guy who puts other people first. Particularly if there’s danger up ahead. Now I’m not saying I’m any more cowardly than the next man, unless that next man is any other man besides my clone.”

“Some people work to live, and other people live to work. Then some people, like me, are both unemployed and alive (at least at the time of this writing).
”

“If my clone weren’t dead, or rather not in nonexistence, he would have probably killed me by now.”

“What’s with the zombie craze? Zombies are half alive, half dead, right? Sounds like my wife in bed.”