“There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house.”

“I have half a mustache. It was a gift from my father, who bought one with a Buy One Mustache, Get One Half Off deal. So he kept the full mustache, and gave me the half stache. It looks more like an eyebrow than a mustache.”

“I grew a mustache, and I grew it in my garden. My mustache is organic, and will taste tasty on your mouth.”

“You can’t become a famous garage band if you never perform outside your garage. That’s why my band plays in my driveway.”

“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.”

“I don’t know when I’m going to stop when I start—or start when I stop. That’s why I simply love continuously.”

“There’s moisture in my madness. I should start keeping my insanity in Tupperware containers.”