“They say you fear what you don't understand. Maybe that's why every time I'm in South Florida, and I hear someone talking in Spanish, I always shit my pants.”

“I don't understand people who say they need more "Me Time." What other time is there? Do these people spend part of their day in someone else's body?”

“I am going to think of you every time I don't have sex. So that'll mean I'll always be thinking of you.”

“So I enrolled at the University of North Florida, which, as you can imagine, is in north Florida. That’s about all I have to say about the school itself, as it’s so bland that if it were a food it would be oatmeal. Cold oatmeal.”

“What’s on my mind? I could say you, but we both know I'd be lying. Actually, I'm only pretending that you aren't on my mind. But I know that you don't mind.”

“I hate the smell of success, because most of the time it smells like sweat. Maybe that’s why I’m poor, because every pore on my body is dry.”

“To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle.”