“They settled out of court. In related news, two fish fought over an aquarium, rather than in the aquarium.”

“The water trapped in my window makes it like an aquarium—which makes me the fish.”

“A hotel is a temporary aquarium for people. That’s why I travel with a fishing pole, and erectile dysfunction medicine.”

“Maybe I will buy my nephew an aquarium for his next birthday. It’s got to be better than the bathroom sink, which is where my brother is keeping him now.”

“Question for your life: Would you rather be the first female U.S. President, the first woman to walk on the moon, or the first woman to be courted by two clones who looked like Christian Bale?”

“I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn't burned down, you don't have cancer, and your daughter hasn't been raped or murdered. The bad news is that I ran over your dog. And your son. And his wife. But not before I ran out of gas to achieve all of that.”

“When the food runs out, the family reunion is over. It’s cool that out of all my relatives, I’m the only cannibal.”