“Things I’ve learned the hard way: #1) When you’re making a door-to-door sales pitch, make sure your shorts aren’t so short that your dick dangles out of them.”

“Keys, they make it easier to get in and out of doors. So does invisibility.”

“The door of love is squeaky. Would you mind oiling it on your way out?”

“I know it’s not your birthday, but would you like some birthday dick? It’s on sale today.”

“Doors open up for you when you work hard. Doors also open up for you when you walk with a limp and act gimpy.”

“Life isn’t so bad. I’m not fat (unless you’re Gandhi), I’m not short (unless you’re Goliath), and I’m not ugly (unless you’re James Dean).”

“They should make blindfolds with circles cut out where the eyes are, so kidnappers would be able to tell when their victims‘ eyes are closed, so their secret locations aren’t revealed.”