“Things to do in an elevator: Install a glass display, like in a museum, over the floor buttons and have a sign affixed to the glass that reads, “Do Not Touch.”

“What do you call a schooner in a wine glass? Port.”

“I collect hair. I keep most of it on my floor, but my most valuable patches I display on the bodies of a few cats I have roaming my house like walking art displays that meow.”

“Dancing? Not only do I have two left feet, but they’re different sizes. And I don’t put them in shoes—I store them in glass jars in my basement.”

“I have rose-colored glasses. The frames have thorns.”

“I need a Caution: Slippery When Wet sign, because I just spilled my ego all over the floor.
”

“You don’t need brass knuckles to discover if a man has a glass jaw. All you need to do is stick his face in a dishwasher, and then check for water spots.”